You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
