So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
