so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
