I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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