I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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