nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
