I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
