My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
