Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
