you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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