We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
