You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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