He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Operation Purity has been aborted
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
