her vagine was all disorganized.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
