You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
