i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
