we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
