I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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