Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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