I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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