I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
