Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
