before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
