I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
