I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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