The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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