Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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