I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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