Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
