Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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