He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
