Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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