i barfeds in our rink
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
