Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
