I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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