I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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