fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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