Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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