if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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