i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
