Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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