A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
