i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
