so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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