the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
