Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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