the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
