dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
