based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
