took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
