Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
