We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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